The Adventures of Erin

I remember why I hate DC

2010-04-18T21:24:00.000-07:00

Sorry folks (all of the two of you out there who read my blog!) for the silence. I tried to update with the times and go with wordpress, but I'm 90 and it takes too long for me to learn something new. And, it has created a complete writing block for me, so when nothing else in my life seems to stay the same for a second, I need this blog. I've lived in DC for the third time starting the end of October. I have rearranged my room three times. I just put an office in my closet. I've tried several different budget apps on my phone, and today reverted back to pen and paper and cash and envelopes. Poor Kitty Cash. He can't even find his litter box. Again.

What is this constant need to rearrange and evolve all to get back to the same freaking place we started? Why even try to mingle with friends of new friends who all lived on the same floor at some nerdy dorky college and don't even ask you ONE question about yourself because they are too busy dropping names of Senators who happened to walk past them in the hall?Oh, of course DC isn't the exception. It is the same feeling I get when I spend a weekend in NYC trying to pretend that I know which hipster band is cool that day and who designed the pair of shoes my friend is wearing. Who am I kidding? Maybe I just need to go back to the farm that I remember my grandmother describing as where all the hard hard times happened, but evidently from the far away look in her eyes, these were above all, simple, sweet, coveted times.

I loathe pretentiousness. I loathe close-mindedness. I'm not sure which type of thinking is more of a turn off to me. Actually, come to think of it, when you get down to it, it is all the same. Everyone just lives in their own world with their own circle of everyone who behaves and looks just like them and you know what? They love it. WE love it. I, yes, I admit it. I love it. Whatever this "it" is is the same reason why right now I want to be lying in the back of a pick-up truck looking at the stars and sweating my ass off in the Mississippi heat. At least the person next to me would most likely be thinking the same thing as me-nothing at all.

Oxytocin: The "Cuddle Drug"

2010-03-08T19:43:00.000-08:00

"So when we talk about "attraction," "infatuation", or "following your heart" after meeting a potential partner, we're actually talking about reactions produced in our brain. These reactions made us feel more alive and excited than almost any other time in our lives. It's like the rush of adrenaline you might feel when skydiving or riding a roller coaster. Sometimes these feelings are so extreme that we become addicted to them, and move from relationship to relationship to recapture and sustain them." So, you mean like the feeling I get when I watch Super Kitty Cash run across the living room floor chasing after the neon colored mouse I bought him that moves on his own? "...oxytocin. Not only is this cuddle drug the same hormone secreted by nursing mothers and after orgasm by both partners, it is released in good and healthy relationships in the presence of our long-term partner. Oxytocin is what makes us feel connected and blissful just being with him/her."

Oh, THAT'S IT! That's what those women are talking about after shooting that 8 pound mass out of their own bodies after being controlled by it for nine months. Wow. That's a drug I want some more of. Was David Steel, author of Conscious Dating quoted previously, referring to the feeling I get when my current boy turns to me in a gay bar and asks, "Is this wrestling competition really on ESPN or do they always have something like this playing at Nellie's?" Is it the feeling I get riding in the car with him on the way home on Sunday morning when we both pause to take a moment to listen to the actual words coming out of that rapper's mouth and both blush and love it at the same time? Is this the feeling I get when we decide to take the night off from "exercising" and instead stay up talking about how cool he was in the 5th grade because he carried his books in a "satchel" instead of the more popular Jansport backpack? Is this funny to anyone else, because it doesn't feel like it. It feels like we are the only ones in our own little world who thinks these things are laughable or unique.

But isn't this what a friendship is? Are these different from the excited feelings I get when a new friend from an old familiar town is thinking the same thing when we pass someone on the street that reminds us of the famous Oxfordtonian? Because, let's face it, it's a toss up. The giddiness I feel with a new girl friend is the same or perhaps even deeper than that of a new boy because I can bear all and say what I feel and blurt out what my first true reaction to life is and they love me anyway because they are girls too! They GET me.

Two weeks ago I experienced my first meeting with a REAL LIVE shrink. He asked me, "Do you feel that your girl friend relationships are different than your relationships with men?" "Um. YES!" God, has he never seen one episode of Sex and the City? I knew I was taking a risk by breaking my rule of only seeing female doctors. They just don't get it. Or maybe they do. Would it really be that awful if I treated both relationships the same? Wouldn't it at least be honest? But what if my honest equals crazy. What if I tell him that when I ask him a question and he doesn't text back that I almost lose my freaking mind? Wouldn't he put on his best running shoes, plug "home" into his GPS under the setting "most direct route" and get a move on? No scenic drives here folks. Or, would he choose to take that longer drive even if it meant stumbling along the path and wanting to give up before he reaches the pot of gold filled with that drug, what was it again? Oxytocin? More important question, would I? Will I? Should I? Will I abandon myself on the way up and lean on him too much to get to the top all for something that lasts only a short time? Will I forget my self? This self that sits on the bathroom floor by her cat writing blogs and quoting dating books? Oh God. Perhaps the grass IS really greener over there. Really? Cat toys, blogs, and dating books vs. orgasms? Mmmmmmm. Oh, who cares if I lose all sense of self!

When Generations Collide

2010-02-28T16:45:00.000-08:00

Last night I had the unique opportunity of having dinner with someone forty-eight years older than me and someone five years younger than me whose father and grandfather were both born in the 1800s only a few years apart. The one born in 1859, a famous geologist. The other, Clarence Oscar, was a one-arm chemical engineer turned inventor by necessity to survive. By survive I mean rigging up a lighting system on his car so that he could shift, drive, and signal at the same time using only one arm. How unique that I had had very frank conversations with the older about the wild nights with the younger and felt completely elated about both. How odd that I looked on with amazement and listened open-mouthed at the similarities between this 77 and 25 year old. I don't know if it was the vodka martini or the glass of wine or the beer I had before dinner, but it all gave me a warm blushing feeling on my cheeks. To share a moment with another old soul and two ACTUAL old souls was so comforting to me. I can't begin to describe my surprise at the love the older has given me just on the basis of friendship, not obligation. Even more, I can't believe the youngest one at the table thanked me later for inviting him to meet these special friends of mine and say how neat it was for me to have friends that age. Friends, not family. Nobody we HAD to spend all day with laughing at our inabilities to read a map, parallel park, and pretend that we don't hear the gas passed when the one of us stepped out of the car to pay the parking ticket. Yep. This is the same lady who has a pink cover for her phone and taught me how to experience a breathtaking piece of art and appreciate it in a way I never have.

On the ride home from dinner when my young friend and I were alone, he changed the station from opera to hip-hop and finally to old 1940s blues and jazz. The "1940s" that the oldest of this dinner party had described earlier the night by sharing the memory of one night hearing the same broadcast coming from every station and called to his father to ask what was the matter. World War II? Yes. I commented on how we are so spoiled today. Yes, we have war and poverty and recessions, but somehow it doesn't seem as big as it was then. We also talked about change. How much changes now in even three months, but back then three years could go by with everyone doing the same old thing.

This causes me to ask the question: were we happier then? I've heard my dad speak of the simple days. Is he right? Despite sickness, wars, no cures for disease (even my 77 year old friend's mother died of spinal meningitis when he was only four) were we happier then? Did we value life and not long for what we did not have? Are we truly this spoiled now? If so, how do we get back to the old ways? More realistically, how do we blend the old and new? Why do we only make friends with those in the same exact stage of life as us when we are missing so much from those a little bit older than us. A little bit slower. A little bit, yes, I'll say it: wiser. I mean, they've seen no less than, how many wars in their life time? They've lived through how many recessions (or depressions)? How lucky I feel tonight at the chance to see "old" friends, to share new friends with the "old" ones, and to understand and appreciate the sense of urgency to share more of these moments together soon.

Infatuation, Love, or Codependency?

2010-02-15T14:22:00.000-08:00

To text, email, facebook, gchat, buzz or not to text, email, facebook, gchat, buzz: that is the question. After a long week of being bound in by the biggest snowfall D.C. has seen in years, I am contemplating my sanity. Normally..well, most of the time..O.K., some of the time.. I feel confident, interesting, witty, spontaneous, sexy, lovable, approachable, clever. NOT scared, vulnerable, analytical, sad, desperate, fat, restless. But, yep. You guessed it. Throw me one huge snow storm and I lose all sense of practical thinking. Well, one snow storm, another sinus infection, another snow storm, cramps, and another snow storm. I forget the order, but somewhere in the middle I became this lonely version of myself that I haven't seen in quite a while. Where does she come from? What triggers her to come out of hiding? Why, oh why, does she have to bring the tearful sobs with her that lasted this time no less than 24 hours?

OK, Crazy. It is now Valentine's Day and you have a new special friend who is going to cook you dinner. Flowers? Card? Who needs it when you have a boy that can make you spoon bread. Whatever that is. So, yes. It was a lovely date. Champagne, wine, chocolate covered strawberries. Yes! The confident Erin is BACK! Fast forward to this morning. Oh, wait. You have to go to work today even though your office is technically closed? Don't you want to lie here with me all day instead? I'm sorry. No ride home? Walk me to the metro? What is this? OK. Calm down Erin. Enjoy the moment. Be thankful for the time spent together. Enjoy the high that you are riding on when you remember the sweet things he said. You are not bored. You have a million important things to do on this day off like catch up on those hand-washables, apply to volunteer, take a nap with your cat, watch the olympics. Be cool.

3:00PM: Oh, he's on gchat. Wonder if I should gchat him. Wonder if he would want to see a movie later. Wonder if he got my group email (group, so not too personal) with the Fat Tuesday party idea? 4:00PM: Oprah. 5:00PM: News on snow. 5:43PM: Getting over embarrassment of writing this to the world and finally writing this to the world...or for the two of you folks that read my blog. Is this love? Is it post-Valentine's day hangover? Is it infatuation? I heard that infatuation usually lasts about three months and then you start thinking that what you thought was cute, like him wearing a robe in the mornings, is actually kind of grandpawish and annoying. Is it a reoccurrence of my past codependent life? I mean, what is wrong with wanting to spend every second with someone when you have been snowed in alone for days and have tried calling every possible friend-old or new-and they cancel because everyone but you seems to be living their loving relationship lives? Is it codependency when I try so hard to stay awake so I can look at his face just a bit longer? Is it codependency when I try to have a life, but would honestly just rather be hanging with him. I'm an extravert for God's sake! Isn't this normal? Is it because we haven't had "the talk"? What should I think about his vague response when I asked him to go to that wedding with me coming up in May? Did I let go too much when I mentioned that he must be in town for my birthday: May 21st? What does it mean that he isn't on gchat anymore? Will he want me to come over again tonight? Oh! How I want to! I know, I know. I should get out of the house. Go workout. Go meet some friends. Go live your life. But, aren't we all just trying to use our fabulous lives as a front and the honest-to- god truth is that we want him to call!?!

I'm exhausted. I can see your faces now. I can hear all of the different advice that you have given me on this subject before. I can re-read Codependent No More, Beyond Codependency, and even Conscious Dating, but none of it so far has been able to reverse this downward spiral of negative thinking. Maybe I need shock therapy. Maybe I need reassurance everyday that he likes me. Maybe I should be thinking of how thankful I should be to have someone in my life for this moment, for today, for right now.

Oh wait. I've got it! Thank God The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love comes on tonight. Now I will finally get the answers I have been looking for with their example of a real life relationship. Whew. And I thought I was going to have to go to the gym and leave my phone at home (on purpose) in hopes that this will will him to call. Oh. Wouldn't it be great to be 90 right now and not give a shit about any of this? I mean, by then I would have found someone who has stuck around or just be that crazy old lady that wears bright pink lipstick and dances to rap on her metro ride home and falls asleep every night to the sound of her snoring cat.

Taxi Cab Driver: The Sequel

2010-02-13T20:27:00.000-08:00

For the record: I hate the snow. It's all pretty and nice and everything at first, but after around 50 inches or so, it becomes to be a big pain in my ass, not to mention the wear and tear on my mental stability. Four straight days of work cancelled, so by Friday, I was ready for an adventure, an outing. Hell, I was just ready to wake up before noon, get dressed, shove some people around on the metro, and face even the most annoying clients at work. BRING IT ON! Not even a derailed metro car on the line I use everyday could stop me from walking two miles home, hopping in the shower with 30 minutes to look fabulous, and back out again.

The snow has stopped and the sun has shone, so I'm thinking it won't be that bad. I'll be able to get a cab and meet my fabulous new friends at this fabulous trendy bar to eat some berries and fruit trip way into the night. After looking for a cab with no luck, I decided to just walk up to one and hop in regardless if they asked me where I was going. Yeah, that's the thing about D.C. cabs after our third blizzard this year: they may leave the light on for you, but they sure are picky about where they will take you in these icy conditions. Icy conditions is what I was wishing for after spending the next 45 minutes with this driver who I practically forced to agree to take me anywhere I needed to go. I'm beginning to learn the signs. As soon as they say, "Hi, how has your day been?" you might as well kiss your private quiet backseat ride away. I guess it is my Southern upbringing that will not allow me to mumble some one word answer so that they will get the hint that although I don't mind telling them about my day, I would rather sit in the back taking deep breaths while trying to focus on my texting. Not going to happen with this guy. By the end of the $15.00 ride, he had attacked me about not knowing what I thought about god at my age and for not knowing where my name came from. "Erin. Is that Jewish?" "No. It's Irish." "You're family from Ireland?" "I don't know. I asked my grandma once and she told me, 'Baby, I can't remember.'" "You don't know anything! You don't know 'bout god. You don't know 'bout family...oh, wait....this is my wife calling. Hello sweetie." He went on to give me a lesson on helping people until I asked him to take me straight to the bar instead of my friend's house because we took so long helping that frat guy and his girlfriend dig out of their parking space that I missed the pre-party. "You women. You always changing your mind! No! 12 and P. That is far as I take you. From there, you on your own." What about helping the girl that is paying you? Thankfully, he got a call from his wife whom he was probably telling in their native tongue about this selfish white girl that actually wanted to pay him to take her where she needed to go, but at least he was distracted and drove me right to 1301 9th street.

I'm a reflective person, so I decided to share this story with my friend to see if he thought it was just me or that this happens to all D.C. metro residents. Nope. Just me. As my previous boss said at one of my many jobs last year, "Erin. You always get the crazies."

Taxi Cab Driver

2010-01-28T20:07:00.000-08:00

The last few days whatever I have felt, I have felt with EXTREME emotions. I can always figure out some way to blame my hormones, but try to remind myself that it is probably a bit real too. Like tonight when I was kissing the boy goodbye in the freezing cold and feeling totally sad that it is not like the old days when you could sit on a porch swing until your mom and dad went to bed. But, of course not before telling you it was time to say goodnight. At least you got to make out beside their old car underneath the basketball goal on a hot summer Mississippi night. Quite different from tonight. Not a second later after my beau had kissed me goodnight and I had sat down in the warm cab ready to allow my blissful warm and lovey thoughts of the evening fill my brain until 2726 Connecticut did the hooded cabbie ask me, "Why he not coming home with you?" He then proceed to tell me that he was too young for me, and although I looked like I was 23, I needed someone at least around the age of 35. Most people would have ignored this guy, but not me. I found myself disclosing all of the reservations I have not allowed myself to speak out loud to this complete stranger who was taking the long way home in order to take more of my cash. Perhaps not, though. I mean, he did end our $6.50 therapy session by showing me a picture of his mom with his wife and two daughters. This was right before he called me sweetie and told me that I looked at MOST 23. "You are a pretty lady." OK. Time to go! I know I should feel appalled and disturbed that someone providing a service that I pay good money for would invade my personal life. Oh, what the hell! I'm not sure if it was the cabbie or my three whiskey cocktails I had at the secret speakeasy tonight, but I am sleepy and smiley and sleepy.

The Perfect Relationship

2010-01-24T21:40:00.000-08:00

I don't think I could love anything more than my cat. After all, he sure loves me. He doesn't care if I have yucky phlegm from my sinus infection that has lasted for more than ten days now and I have to keep blowing my nose and leave my tissues lying around all over the place. He doesn't care if I ignore him all weekend and only cries when I'm gone, according to my roommate. I guess he does play a little hard to get. When I laid down today for my Sunday nap, I had to BEG him to join me. But, in the end, he always assures me. He sniffed around and tiptoed up on the bed and after about ten minutes of him acting like he wasn't going to stay-he plopped right down and slept on my hand and didn't move until I woke up. The PERFECT codependent relationship. Later, when I had to get stuff done, he didn't mind. I mean, his loud snores coming from under the bed were a bit distracting, but if that's my only complaint, it could be worse right? OK-I do feel a bit guilty since it is probably my fault that he snores. According to all of my friends, he is massively obese. Maybe we should get him one of those breathing machines? Or maybe I should stop feeling guilty when I don't give him enough attention and stop feeding him treats to make up for it.

Lately, he's been doing this thing where if I walk by, he'll reach out his paw and give me a little love pat and then we'll chase each other around the room until he gets plum worn out from all of the exertion. AND, he's been fetching again. Well, by fetching, I mean, I throw his blue toy dog against the wall and he falls on top of it.

Yep. Perfect. He loves me the way I am and I love him. Except for one tiny thing: a few minutes ago when we had finished our nightly routine of me taking a bubble bath and him sitting outside of the bathroom door until I'm done, something happened. I was all nice and clean and walked over to put my towel away and-yuck! WHAT did I just step in? O.K., yes. I bought the cat litter yesterday but haven't changed it out yet. Who knew? Codependent Cash is a passive aggressive communicator! He left that little bit of cat s**t by the couch just to let me know that he doesn't appreciate this neglect.

Ok, I know. What is the lesson in all of this nonsense tonight?

#1: Communication is key. If he would have just told me that he doesn't feel loved and appreciated when I don't clean the litter, then we could have avoided me having to take two baths in less than 10 minutes and now my skin is as dry as a stick.

#2: Compromise. Sometimes, you gotta put up with a little bit of shit to get a whole lotta love.

Pouring my heart out on the corner of Connecticut

2010-01-16T12:51:00.000-08:00

Last night as my friend and I were on our way to our separate homes and about to part ways, she asked me a simple question: "Did you like the book Eat, Pray, Love?" As you may have guessed, I can never give a brief answer to a simple question. So, right there on the corner, I told her why I will always have a special place in my mind for E.G.'s memoir. I recalled the story that Liz tells about recognizing herself again in the mirror. It's been a while since I've read the book, but I remember it goes something like: she looked up and saw this person laughing and smiling in the mirror and truly did not recognize that it was herself. Why? Because she looked happy. She was smiling. She was carefree. She herself...not "herself again", but a new self. A better self. A more confident self. I shared with my friend who so patiently listened to my story, that one day I heard myself laughing out loud and I was like, "What WAS that?" I started laughing and I couldn't stop. I laughed so hard I couldn't breathe! My new kitty had never heard this before and was quite frightened. Oh, to laugh again! To feel again. To get upset again. To love again. I wish I could say that my daily life is peaceful and perfect because I am constantly reminding myself to be thankful for the daily blessings of living among friends with more opportunities to laugh, but I get frustrated. I complain about the stupid people at work and about how my boss drives me crazy with using two question marks after every question she asks me in email: "How's the December monthly report coming Erin??" "I don't know. Why don't you give me a second to catch my breath after teaching an hour long spin class and I'll get back to you??" How does daily living distract us so much from long-term, more meaningful realizations that we are too quick to forget? Today as I sit here in my green chair with my cat on my lap, I am thankful that he tolerates my laptop on top of him, that I can look out my open window, feel the breeze and hear the birds sing their songs of thanksgiving for the warmer weather. I am thankful for my mom's recipe for White Chicken Chili and for the two friends on their way over to share it with. I am thankful for exciting thoughts of a new friend who will call when he gets back in town on Monday. I am thankful for my friend Gordon who showed me around my new neighborhood last night and endured my complaints and shared honest advice. Oh! So much to be thankful for. Hopefully I will remember all of this next time I start to have a complete breakdown because the person next to me on the metro is being WAY to chatty for 6 o'clock in the morning!

Holiday Play

2009-12-13T08:47:00.000-08:00

Make a Smilebox greeting

One Wedding and a Funeral

2009-11-18T18:06:00.000-08:00

Tonight I called my mom to tell her about the step-by-step guide I typed up for my Dad and nephew on how to get from BWI airport to my apartment in one piece-and she went on to tell me how my Dad needs to learn how to say "NO". I am immediately worried about him overcommitting himself when I am asking for so much for him to fly to DC and drive my car back like 16 hours to MS to sale it for me so I can actually get ahead in life and become important DC professional. So, my mom is like, "No, it's not that. He called me today on his way to another job and said, 'By the way, Allen D.'s wife called me today and asked if I could marry him and marry him quick. So, I told them to meet me over at the house at 1:00PM tomorrow afternoon.'" So I'm thinking how is Dad going to fit in a wedding during his full work day? My mom's like, "Oh no. He finished up today so that he could be through before his trip to visit you. All he has to do tomorrow is do that funeral for that lady in the church who died and then come back here to marry that couple, and then he's takin' off the rest of the day."

I got off the phone. I started putting two and two together and realized that this couple is most likely my mom and dad's age. I had to call back. Rinnng. Rinnng. "Dad, who is it you are marrying?" "You remember Allen D. His wife's dad tried to get married on Friday, but they didn't have the marriage license worked out or something. They are older people. Like me and your Mama's age. It's gonna be quick. I'm just gonna do a short service." I guess so since he'll be pretty tuckered out from services that day. The question of why the rush still remains. I mean, it isn't like she is PG, as my Mamaw used to call "you know what."

And I thought tonight was going to be a boring quiet night of watching my shows online.

Growing Old Pains

2009-11-17T18:58:00.001-08:00

When did I wake up one day and all of my friends have boyfriends and girlfriends? It kind of feels like when I was in the fifth grade and would get jealous of my best friend hanging out with my other best friend. I knew it made each friend happy, but the jealousy always prevailed and ended up with me lashing out and throwing some hurtful words around. Of course we got over it after Alli's "Vanessa" made us peanut butter and jelly sandwiches without the crust, but I still remember that feeling. Of course everyone says, "It's so much work. Be glad you don't have to look across the dinner table at THAT every evening." But if that were really true, then why would we feel like something is missing? Why would we try to fill that something with something else? Why wouldn't we just move that hope out of our minds and be content with our pets? I admit, my cat makes me very happy, but he doesn't replace the late night whispered chats. Chats about great important things, hopes and dreams, or just about something that you found hilarious that only he would get. Laughter. That's what I'm missing. I do a pretty good job of making myself laugh, but I long for that rush of laughing so hard you can't breathe. Of having someone make everyday mundane hard life seem lighter. I try to seem tough, but at the end of the day of a hard work week (and it is ONLY TUESDAY), I would give anything to be talking to someone next to me about nothing instead of pouring my heart out to strangers about something.

We are Family. All my brotha, sistas, and me.

2009-11-11T18:04:00.000-08:00

During this year of my life, I have learned so many life lessons. A very important one rings true in my life tonight: ask for help! Why is it SO hard to ask for help from family and friends but I have no problem asking a stranger on the street how to get to the nearest metro?

I am SO thankful today for my father's support and my roommates chili. After a sleepless night full of anxiety about regular annoyances of life, my stomach now feels calm because I admitted that I need help in selling my car and I allowed myself to ask my roommate for a raincheck (literally pouring in DC today) on the bean soup I promised and eat her chili instead. Chili and cookies and even Irish coffee if I wanted it. Asking for help even worked with my boss. This is a tricky one-wanting to earn trust that you can handle every situation thrown at you, but knowing when to throw your hands up and say HELP! This week has shown me that 99% of the time, it has helped.

I hope one day I do the same for my family and friends. What I wouldn't give to buy my dad whatever he wants! Today, I am not so concerned with wishing we could see eye to eye on things that seem so important at times, as I am thankful to have a strong tree to lean against and take a breath. Last night while chatting with my new boss about our backgrounds and family, I described my family as "colorful minus the alcohol". Trying to make the point that although our family get-togethers are totally dry, it still always seems to be plenty of loud laughter, not to mention good cookin'. She responded, "Yeah, I can see that. You are very colorful." Not even sure what that means, but I think she's right. And, I kinda like it.

Happy Erin, Stressed Erin, Sad Erin, Excited Erin, Happy Erin

2009-11-04T20:12:00.000-08:00

Over the last few days, my life has felt like tonight's blog entry title. So many emotions, but in the midst of it all, a calm awareness of feeling comfortable. Of being able to get off the metro (and on the way figure out which stop is the closest to Trader Joe's), walk to my old neighborhood grocery store, pass so many memories along the way, and still feel, well, happy at the end of my grocery store journey.

I got off at Farragut North, and my first memory came from passing my old gym. First thought: "Aw, this is where my ex-boyfriend ran on the treadmill one night during a three day binge and I didn't even know he was wasted." Second thought: "This is where I discovered Zumba with Diego and met my dear friend Emma. Diego made me find my inner diva. Emma helped me weather through the last few weeks of living in the city feel and feel less lonely. We were instant friends and even met up in Charlottesville.

I walk along M street. Second memory: 2001 M Street. Here is where I had to wait in line and beg the lady to give me a SS card that read "Jessica Erin Harvey" instead of "Erin Harvey" so that after a three month battle with the DC DMV, I could finally get my official DC tags! Memory #3: CVS: There's the CVS that-on the same binge I mentioned before-said Ex picked a fight in line while waiting for his Antibuse prescription and later that night broke out in hives from a reaction to the medicine. Memory #4: There's the spot where on a Saturday, I felt so low that I stopped in the middle of the alley, sat down, and cried hysterically to "him" that I hated it here and had to get out. He couldn't come to my rescue without a car. Memory #5: I pass the alley where I was walking home one night from Trader Joe's with arms full of groceries, balancing an umbrella b/c it was pouring. I was almost home when I heard glass shattering. Then I felt something else wet besides the rain. I looked down. Blood? Panic set in. No, just my splattered broken jar of spaghetti sauce.

I could go on and on of the awful memories of that year. It was an awful time, which is why I can now experience the exhilarating experience of being back here! The feeling of immense gratitude. Of being able to look all of these memories in the face and say, "I chose to come back here! I feel good today! It is 1:30 in the afternoon and I have already worked a full day, am on my way to my favorite grocery store in the world, and I have a full night of friends ahead! I am not looking forward to going back to my apartment and just sleeping the day away. I am excited to breathe! To live! To smile!"

Even though I was weighted down with groceries and had close to a mile walk to the metro, I was smiling. Actually, I was tearing up. This was not just a passing good mood. This was a calming experience. An overwhelming sense of gratitude that I survived. I learned. I am still learning every second that it is still hard, but that I want to live! Thankful because I have a bit more insight to my self. To my soul. To what makes me happy and keeps me healthy. I am learning everyday, and have been for a while. But, it sure is nice to do that amongst old friends and new roommates who will talk you into getting out of the house and going to the gym. Who will share a bottle of wine with you and laugh at the dynamics of two cats establishing their territories. Oh, tomorrow might change in an instance, and yes-the new job has it's challenges-but today, I feel better. I feel thankful. I feel tired. I feel loved. I feel support. I do not feel the empty hole in my stomach that cries out for companionship. I can't help but read this and, well, smile.

Enjoy the pics of my first day of work and my city adventures of the week so far!

Happy Halloween!

2009-10-31T10:30:00.001-07:00

Make a Smilebox greeting

Thanksgiving

2009-10-29T20:06:00.000-07:00

Today I was feeling worn out and was thinking only negative thoughts while I was on the metro riding to have dinner with a good friend. Hello! Dinner and great conversation with a dear friend only a few metro stops away and I don't even have to use a car!?!? Where did all of my gratefulness go besides out the car window? Then, while I was noticing all of the people trying to ignore all of the people, I also noticed an important looking lady and her dear friend: her dog. I couldn't help but watch this lady get around by being guided by a dog and her sense of sound and feeling. I mean, I freak out if I think I have misplaced my iphone for one second and wonder how I would get around this new big city without it. No one else seemed to notice that this lady was unique at all, and perhaps that shows we are finally evolving as accepting human beings, but she stood out to me in the brightest way. When I decided that I finally couldn't be bothered with all of the noise of the train, I began to dig in my purse for my headphones. I finally gave up, looked across the isle at the lady and saw that she was unwinding hers and sticking them in her ears. For a brief second, I consider going over and asking her for a few tips on how to keep it all together: my life and my purse!

I'm BACK!!!

2009-10-28T18:36:00.000-07:00

Hello Friends! I'm back-in so many more ways than one! If you haven't heard, I accepted a job in the big city of D.C. I am too busy and important right now to write more than a few lines, but have fun checking out the pics of my new neighborhood and home and start expecting more blogs from me more often. I feel better than I have in a while, and I look forward to sharing that with you! Oh, and...I don't have even ONE TV channel in my new place....

When Life Gives You Lemons

2009-08-04T15:21:00.000-07:00

"When life gives you lemons, make lemonade." Well, what if life gives you pineapples or kiwi or even mangos? What are you supposed to make with that? To me, life seems more like a Sweetart. So sour sometimes and then so sweet. Or the other way around, or all in the same day even. I am endlessly hoping for black and white, but today realize that there is still a whole bunch of gray.

Aunt Faye

2009-07-25T20:45:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure what made me think about peanut butter marshmallow saltine cracker treats this week. Maybe it was because of the book I finished today with the character Nan from Nantucket that reminded me of a warm home and an eccentric gardener much like my Aunt Faye, my great aunt, my mother's mother's sister. The first line of the book starts out telling you that on her bike ride into town, Nan is sneaking into the neighbor's yard picking hydrangeas to place on the table for lunch with a friend later on that day. It also talks about her borrowing their pool when she gets the urge to skinny dip. The neighbors, of course, are off-season owners and are only around during the busy time of the summer. Funny, because I also remember my own mother trying to convince me that we could lay out at a stranger's pool in Destin that was next to Jerry's house because they got better winter sun. It was in December, and we built a wind blocker on the beach instead and then left early the next day because a cold front was coming and we had to get back to MS before the "snow". Ice, rain. Whatever. Regardless, I think of my Aunt Faye a lot. And, really, I didn't know her that much-not after I have been old enough to value someone like her. I just remember swinging on the swing set with my cousin Donna and walking down a trail..maybe to a pond? It is hard to distinguish from stories that I have been told or actual memories. But the one memory that I know without a doubt is real is about the peanut butter marshmallow things. She always cooked them in her toaster oven (which, if you have read this blog at all, you know that toaster ovens now have a warm place in my heart). I remember how they smelled and how they were always perfect. If you've ever cooked these snacks, you know it is easy to leave them in too long and end up with a charred marshmallow! Good Ol' Aunt Faye. Tonight when I looked at my feet, I noticed that they look older, tanned, and exactly like MaDonnie's and Mama's. I wonder if Aunt Faye had these tiny narrow feet that didn't match her strong body. Her feet that took her fishing in the boat with her husband and walked the miles and miles (it seemed like miles anyway) of her bright pink flocks. Oh, how smells can bring back a memory. I remember these sweaty days at her house that my Aunt Rhonda now lives in and keeps the memory of her plants alive. Well, those and about a billion other flower beds growing! This is not a sad memory, but does leave a pang in my stomach that longs to have known her now in my life and be able to ask her if she still tastes that creamy marshmallow goodness.

Jazzercise took almost an hour of my life today.

2009-07-22T19:35:00.000-07:00

I realize most of you might be asking, what does an important "Wellness Center Manager" do with the 8-9 hours a day that she is at work. Save lives? Change lives? Create lives? Most of the time, but today a whole hour of my day was taken up by D (should remain nameless), the Jazzercise Instructor (yes, I'm not making that up. Apparently, Jazzercise is still up and running...or two-stepping I should say.) I was trying to put out some flames started by this J-Lo looking lady who is FREAKING out that I want to offer a free 15 minute abs class. She's afraid that it might interfere with her Jazzercise. After 45 minutes of listening to her describe the class and how her best friend and her practice their routines in the basement ("You start with a low, then you move into low-medium, then medium, then medium-high, then high-medium, then high, then low, then low-medium. You know, so they can get there heart rate up and down safely.") Well, I got my heart rate up just trying to focus on our conversation. Imagine the class! At this point, my lunch that I had neglected for 45 minutes was calling out to me and my head was pounding. Oh, the drama of being in charge! I finally just cut her off and said, "I have to eat." By now they should all know that I eat every two hours and it had been about 2 1/2 at 1:18PM. She also informed me that the last instructor never taught classes because all she did was restock the candy dish on her desk and pop Snicker's bars all day. "Wow, Erin! What a day you had!," some of you might say. It didn't end there! The rest of the day I spent avoiding a lady who was mad that she couldn't "personal train" her clients anymore because I was there. When I had to ask my boss if there were rules against non-professionals training members, the conversation went something like this (made up names just in case these people figure out how to google): Erin: "Hi Boss, so what should we do about Laurie teaching classes and training members?" Boss: "Well, she knows it isn't supposed to be happening." "Mmm.Hmm. Um, by the way, have you met Laurie in person?" Boss (letting a laugh slip): "No, Erin. What are you trying to tell me?" "Well, honestly, her height and weight are really not in the norms according to the chart." Pause. Silence. Oh brother. For the record, I hate "charts", but if you are going to call yourself a personal trainer and teach abs class...well....

Cooking, Smith Mountain Lake and a Mullet

2009-07-20T17:36:00.000-07:00

My friend Sean came to visit and got me out of the house! Check out the pics, especially the one of the mullet man. He went swimming in those pants and nobody said a word. Ahhh, Virginia. Kinda reminds me of home.

Orange Tomatoes: Mom, can I just have Carbs for dinner?

2009-07-14T16:25:00.001-07:00

Steve, one of the two facilities managers at my new job, both name Steve. Big Steve and Little Steve. Today was worth all of the flirting with Big Steve when I got my light bulbs changed in the Women's Locker Room and had an email titled "veggies" when I opened my Outlook. All you have to do in this town is say TOMATO and the next thing you know...mmmm. I looked into the plastic bag. Green pepper, yellow squash, green tomatoes, orange tomato. Orange tomato? Riiinnng. Erin: "Steve."Steve: "Erin, I was just thinking about you." (no worries-he's hitched.) Do you have a helium balloon blower-upper and more importantly, what the heck am I supposed to do with this orange thing?" Steve: "It's a tomato." Erin: "I thought so, but can I eat it now?" Steve: "Oh yeah! You can eat it now....blankblankblank." Oh the things women put up with these days to get a good tomato and a light bulb.

I came home and sliced that baby open and oh. my. gosh. YUMMY! Then I made orange bruschetta. I bet what's her name on the food channel (who has way smaller boobs than me, but somehow seems to show cleavage every episode) would be jealous. Enjoy! I sure did.

Please allow me to self-reflect

2009-07-12T14:57:00.000-07:00

Thank you for letting me share these thoughts with you today. I used to make fun of blogs, but since all of the life changes over the last two years and recent changes, this blog has given me an "out", confidence to keep writing, and a sense that I am sitting down sharing with each one of you. It means so much that you allow me to share with you. Thank you! Today through a sequence of journal entries, friends, and songs, I have sensed a progression. And would like to share my thankfulness with you. The words do not require much explanation and speak for me during...well...life.

December 11, 2008

My Journal Entry

"I'm not sure if time heals everything-maybe time and fighting-digging in the dirt to get a breath-the one that will get you through to the next minute. If you are lucky, the next hour. Sometimes you see the sun and that spurs you on until the next day even. And then one day you look around and you see green, not brown. You smell clean air, not earthy mud. You can stand on the ground-firmly-not gripping uphill for your life. You can stretch out-open your arms wide to the blue sky and before you know it-you've made it."

February 6, 2009

During Katie's visit to Charlottesville, she introduced me to the band, "Heartless Bastards". The week before I had noticed that they were playing at the Gravity Lounge the week after she was in town. On February 11, Sean and I went to hear them LIVE. Below is listed the words to the song that spoke to me as soon as Katie played it for me that weekend, and the opportunity to close my eyes and ROCK OUT to it live was moving.

Lyrics to Runnin :
For every calm there is a storm
But it is often out of view
It changes paths it changes forms
Just like our souls
Like they often do
Broke the calm, strain my back
I was born, driven by fear
And I don't think I'll ever understand
But I know I'll be runnin for years
I hope there's a higher ground
Because I'm going steadily down
And I know I'll be alright
If I just get through the night
I love your way, I love you baby, don't mean maybe
I love your way, and oh you brighten and enlighten
I've been walking, I've been walking sideways
Walking down the street
And I won';t look back to another minute
Because there's nothing left to see
I took the long way
Oh I took the long way

This past week I was losing sight of all of the positives to the recent move, and was having a bit of a hard time. Oh L. She KNOWS me. She gifted me "Hold Your Head High" by Heartless Bastards to my ITunes. I listened to it for the first time today and haven't listened to anything else. How connected I am to it. I am always amazed that someone else who doesn't have a clue about my life can write a song so connected to mine. I guess I should expect it by now, but never get used to it. Always so exciting and moving.

Lyrics to Hold Your Head High:

I've made a lot of choices
Most have not been wise
But I have some really good friends
I've been fortunate enough to find
They get through the lonely days
When I want to stay inside myself
They get me out of my shell
Out into the world

I am coming back, I'm coming back again
I had lost everything and then I got it back again
I dug myself so deep, deep into a hole
Then getting back I wanted so far beyond my control

In the past I've always had trouble on my mind
I'm gonna take that feeling and leave it far behind
As I go down this path traveling through my fate
Lately I have begun to awake

It all started out in Jackson and we moved across the land
And all the dehydration turned soil into sand
And then one day they hauled me away
And I was out there, out on my own

The thieves, they came and went
They took everything in site
And then we got it back again
Oh, I had to fight

Oh, and then I woke up from the middle of the strangest dream
And everyone was there that I ever knew and they all began to sing
Hold your head high, just as high as you can
Things will work out soon, things will come round again
You see I've got this fascination with all the wrong ways to go
I get lost even in the places that I know

Hold your head high, just as high as you can
Things will work out soon, things will come round again
Hold your head high, just as high as you can
Things will work out soon, things will come round again

I'm sure there is a way to post them on here for you to listen to, but I don't have the patience for that. However, if you like them, you should download them. Runnin is from their album on Stairs and Elevators. Hold Your Head High is from The Mountain.

Picture me stopping folding clothes and holding my hand in the air and swaying back and forth to Hold Your Head High. What a Sunday.

SMASHED open

2009-07-07T16:12:00.001-07:00

Does anyone know how I could get to be famous by blogging? I mean, isn't it the same thing as Carrie Bradshaw having an article in the "Star" except that it is not 1997? Actually, I would probably be OK with just getting paid. I mean, I saw this Oprah once where this lady got on there for writing a book about her divorce called "Broken Open". Really lady? A divorce? Come on. You got nothing on my last two years. It would probably get filed in the FICTION section because no one would believe it. If anyone is interested in publishing: let me know. It will include all of the hottest things right now (keep in mind that this is in no particular order of events): crazy Southern families, love, break-ups, half-way houses, 23 year old boys, a party that took place on a roof in the Virginia mountains that involved me singing every word to Shoop, two gay dudes, two lovers, one whiskey drinking fool in a BMW listening to Dolly Parton while on the way to spend some time at a "retreat" (you know-the one like Lindsay Lohan's). Broken Open? Ha. More like Smashed Open, a memoir by Erin Harvey.

ROANOKE: WEEK 1, WORK DAY 3

2009-07-06T16:06:00.000-07:00

Oh the difference a day can make! You guys cheered me right up with all of your responses and I swear, if I didn't have the ability to laugh at myself I would stay stuck in that gloominess forever. What a great day at work! I was SO busy. There is SO much to do. Everyone has been so friendly and came up to the Penthouse (yes, the fitness center is on the PH. I push PH when I get on the elevator.) to welcome me. Probably really to check out the "new" girl, but still...it was a great day and I feel so incredible for the opportunity to do this! And, had a meeting with my boss today for an hour: she lives in Colorado. :) Her name is Roxanne Musselman. The first time I called to see if the job was still available I had been saying, "Roxanne MUSCLEMAN, Roxanne MUSCLEMAN" so when the woman answered the phone, you guessed it. "May I speak to Ms. Roxanne MUSCLEMAN please?" I mean, surely I am not the first person to make this mistake. She does work in fitness.

Right now I am sitting on my porch listening to the birds chirp, there is a cool breeze and the chatter of neighbors near by. Blue sky, cotton candy clouds. And a feeling of contentment. Is this what it feels like? I have learned that these moments like this pass too quickly with all of the challenges that life brings us, but for today, ahhh....how nice.

And just to think: about an hour ago when I left work, before my GPS kicked in, I turned right instead of left and this one mistake caused me to circle around some exit twice right before the nausea got to me and that darn lady finally quit screaming, "RECALCULATING. RECALCULATING." You would think they could program her to be more like, "Honey, you have driven to work and home three times now. You can do this. It is only 2.8 miles. Take a deep breath and think: how did you get home yesterday?"

ROANOKE: WEEK 1

2009-07-05T18:25:00.001-07:00

Sigh, whew. This has to be the most prepared I have every been for a move and it still ROCKS me. Today when I woke up it was like my body was saying, "Ok! I've had enough! I'm going to give you a headache and tummy ache just so you will rest the whole day. HA!" Ok, so maybe the tummy ache was partly because I discovered that I had a Sonic just down the street, but what else is more comforting when you are in a new town searching for the Kroger and you just happen to remember those after school Sonic runs with your mom. Mmmhh. I have had two days of work at my new job and I have to say: I am excited! There is a lot of work to be done and I am trying to get used to the fact that people are asking ME for the answers! What a challenge. Of course, everyone has been way more patient in showing me the ropes than I have with myself, so if I could just figure that one out, life would be so much easier! After all, tomorrow is only my third day.

If one more person asks me if I know anyone here, I am going to start lying. NO. I do not know anyone in Roanoke. No I do not have any ties to VA. I just think it is beautiful and I like it here. Today the temperature in my car read 66 degrees around noon and it is only going to get up to 90 this week. I hear that is abnormal, but I just thought I would brag for all you MS folks.

I have to note, that being prepared does not prepare you for the realization of, "Oh Sxxx, I really don't know ANYONE." Of course, I know I will know new friends soon, but you know what? It never really gets easier. At the same time, it offers me time for self-reflection and quietness (I know-really-believe it though. The only person I talked to today in person was the guy at Kroger that went out of his way to ask me how I was doing. After I remembered how to speak, I answered in a whisper, "Good. Thanks." And mumbled, "How are you" before quickly bolting down the closest isle.) So, this cry for help and maybe a little guilt tripping is my clever way to get you guys to come visit me. Please see my schedule below with my open days for visitors:

July 1-31: OPEN

August 1-31: OPEN

September 1-30: OPEN

As you can see, I'm open. Come visit. Oh, and why have a I posted a pic of an oven? Because I just used mine tonight for the first time, and it is the first time I have used a real oven in over a year! My 10-minute Bertolli pasta was actually done in 10 minutes! Just in case you have never cooked on a hot plate, it usually takes about thirty because of the electrical outlet safety cut-off.

Please post comments! I love them and it makes me feel connected to the world. If not, I will just continue to talk to myself and the people at Kroger. Oh, and Home Depot. I have made some friends there. Yes I know there names: Charlie and Larry.

On the go gardening-WOW

2009-06-22T19:29:00.001-07:00

http://www.gardeners.com/Herb-Planting-Bag/VegetablePlanters_Cat%2C38-180%2Cdefault%2Ccp.html?SC=MNA7025C&utm_campaign=control&utm_source=direct&utm_content=plantingbagsfs&utm_medium=email

How unbelievably perfect is this for me? I just wonder what they had in mind with this. I mean, besides for people like me who seem to move every month or so, why exactly would you want a portable herb garden? Vacation? In case you get evicted? Maybe you take it with you while running errands in case you get a craving for some basil?

By the way, corn is huge. Tomatoes are small and still green. Picked two squash and ate one tonight and it tasted like a squash.

Forgive my short words. Spent 6 hours in the Charlotte airport today when I was supposed to spend 1. 1!!!

Pictures of trip home, mom's garden, and my veggies tomorrow. Keep checking!

Virus Smirus

2009-06-15T17:08:00.001-07:00

So, I have a confession to make. I have not been blogging because I feel guilty that I started this as a gardening blog and well, as of late, the garden has NOT been number 1 priority. So, if I could just get it out there that although I have LOVED all that I have learned over the last months about gardening, if I'm going to continue this blog, it has to include other adventures as well! Ok? OK! The latest "Erin" adventure is the move to the Star city, Roanoke. Yep, that's what they call it. I have no strong roots here in Charlottesville, but have been amazed to have my eyes open to the friendships that I have made here. OK, let's face it. If you have a blog that is all about writing about your OWN life, well, you have to be a bit obsessed with yourself. But, I have to say, that I have been humbled by the reactions of friends and coworkers to the news that I am leaving, and wonder if there every day lives will be different without me here. I guess it is natural to wonder what your footprint looks like upon leaving a job, a community, a garden. Over the past few days, my body has been reacting to all of the changes by not being able to fight off a nasty virus that has left me bed bound for the last two days...well, when I wasn't at work working the last three days at my current job. What timing. I am taking every immune system vitamin I can find so that I can make a quick recovery for my quick visit home to see my family before making the move. I wish I could see everyone in Jackson, but not enough time. So, to recap: last day Wednesday, home to Kosy Thurs-Mon., packing Tuesday, training in Richmond Wed. & Thurs., packing Friday, throwing myself a going away party Saturday, packing Sunday, Moving Monday! Whew! There are so many changes, that I just have to see them as adventures, claim them, and be aware that my body needs rest and time to adjust to the changes. Thanks for all of your love and positive healthy thoughts my way! And um, for still reading even though it's not just about the garden.

Have Tomato Plants, Will Travel

2009-06-02T20:28:00.000-07:00

Guess who is the new Wellness Center Manager at a corporate company in Roanoke, VA? ME! As of July 1, Roanoke will be my new home. It is about 2 hours south of here (11 hours drive to home-getting a bit closer Mom, hang in there!) I feel so blessed. Yes, I did "dig my nails in" and worked hard for this opportunity, but in the end: you just have to, well, WAIT. And, I did, but in the meantime, I found a great neighborhood, an apartment available July 1st, a landlord who agreed to let me plant my tomato plants in the hardest looking dirt I've ever seen, and made my first friend at work: Charlie...the present security guard and retired police officer who in his thorough tour of the facility also showed me that the fridge and freezer were at the correct degree of temperature and explained what could happen if they were just a bit off. Whew!

But seriously, I am hoping to transplant what I can of the garden and then plan a Harvest Festival in the backyard for a future date.

I am so blessed to have so many of the details fall into place. Like my dad said tonight, "We've gotten this far, we can fix the rest." Or something like that anyway. I have never in my life felt so driven to go after something for the sole purpose of a better me. A better life. An opportunity to begin the next chapter with just me making this decision, my wants, my needs. Just when I think it is time to grow some roots, I find that it is time to-not completely start over-but take what I've learned, and transplant these lessons into a more confident life. I am reminded that just this time last year, I was lying on the couch, gut crying in fear that I had made the wrong decision by signing a lease on an apartment without an oven. Look where I am now!

2009-06-01T18:22:00.000-07:00

Roanoke's farmer's market and my plants that are even bigger now! Sinus infection day #2...I can't hear and the right side of my head huuuuurrrrrrttttssss.. :(:( Wish my mama was here to make me Mamaw's chicken and dumplings and maybe her biscuits too.

Busy Birds and Busy Erin!

2009-05-31T19:43:00.000-07:00

Hello Followers!

Everything has been put on hold with the garden these past few days. I have been extremely busy working towards better opportunities...hopefully more details on that soon! And, after fighting what I have been calling "allergies" for about 10 days now, I have finally given up and think I may be, uh....yes, a little under the weather. Despite this, I had a restful Sunday with plenty of sunshine and low humidity. Unfortunately, I had no energy to pick the ever growing weeds out of the garden, but will hopefully feel better soon.

The birds hatched and as you can see-aren't they the ugliest little things? I have tons more pics to come of the now huge plants in the garden and of my recent visit to Roanoke and their farmer's market this past Saturday.

I am claiming positive hopes for tomorrow and appreciate your thoughts and prayers during the next few days. I promise to update tomorrow with more pics and hopefully more energy!!

Wanted: Electrician to install spotlights

2009-05-25T20:12:00.000-07:00

If I keep working like I do, I may need my dad to come up here and install some lighting so I can "night garden". Either that, or maybe he could send me one of his head band things that has a light attached so it actually shines from your head. SO attractive. I left at 8:30am this morning and got in after 9:00pm. I am burning the candle at both ends right now, but also feel a sense of hope and calm about where the future leads. But, OK, I have to be honest. There was a bit of fun in my day today too. Although it was a holiday for most, I worked all day. But, last night before bed I remembered that it was one of my dearest friends and co-workers birthday today (which happens to be just four days after mine and the same as my grandfather's "Pop"'s birthday was). For the sake of his privacy, he shall remain nameless, but let's just say not everyone gets the opportunity to work alongside a now 77 year old personal trainer who has never had a mojito. This alone called for a celebration! By the end of the evening he was telling every one of his birthday callers that he had marked this birthday with getting to know the mojo (yes, pronounced moJO, not moHO). I found myself laughing out loud in the shower tonight when I remembered his wife asking him to sing me his Jewish song that she had taught him about a foolish Jewish boy falling in love with a non-Jew. My friend's wife is Jewish, he is not. Just one of the many examples of tonight's fun. My, my. How full I feel tonight. I mean, I might be too full of myself, but not everyone gets to spend the evening with two 70ish year youngsters laughing, singing, sharing advice, and talking about the season finale of Ugly Betty. What an amazing time in life!

Bigger than EVER!

2009-05-24T19:31:00.000-07:00

Was out of town a couple of days, came back and WOW! Everything is HUGE. Pictures to come soon. In the meantime, I'm going to figure out how to harvest lettuce and spinach. Wahoooooooooooooo! So much fun!

Tweet Tweet from a real bird

2009-05-18T16:54:00.000-07:00

What amazing things you can see on a breezy cool Monday afternoon! I decided the only exercise that I could talk myself into was to do laps around the neighborhood. Imagine the comments you get when you are walking one lap, running, walking, running, walking. It reminded me of running the straights and walking the curves at track practice. When I breathed in the air it smelled and tasted like the 800 meter race I would wait all day to run at the track meet. On my laps around I smelled the honey suckles and remembered my friend Robbie teaching Alli and I how to pick em and suck the sweetness out of the middle of 'em. Mmmm. I also met two of my neighbors Lou and Katie. Katie, Lou's 14 year old Golden Retriever, is barely hanging on. I had so much compassion for this stranger losing his dearest companion. Sighhhhh.

I also saw this beautiful fuchsia flower on one of my rounds and I even slowed down to gawk- mouthed wide open-at its bright color. I have no idea what it is. A tall stem and huge snow ball like blooms but spikier.

And can you believe my adventures aren't over yet? Mrs. Robin has decided to build her nest right on top of my outdoor light. She actually stands there, looks at James (the neighbor's cat) and me, and tries to stare us down. I pull James over to the other edge of the lawn and pretend like I don't care if she lands on the nest and warms those poor little babies up. But one wrong move and she's off again. I only managed to reach up and snap a pic of the eggs, which I had to see to believe. It's too tall for me to actually see in there, so my camera was the only option without getting too close. I remembered reading a story when I was little that said not to get to close to the bird's nest or the mom will smell your scent and abandon them in the middle of the night. Is this true? Funny how some things stick with you for life.

On a complete random note: I have to point out that in the midst of this natural bliss, my next door neighbors have been blasting the first two songs on Beyonce's new CD for three straight days. This is quite humorous not only because I also have a warm place in my heart for Beyonce's Single Ladies, but because my neighbors are deaf. Seriously, no joke.

Positive Thought for Today

2009-05-16T20:26:00.000-07:00

I have to say that I would love to make it a habit of daily reading a meditation like the one to follow, but have not yet gotten the discipline to do it. But, today and usually always, it was exactly the words I needed! This is from a book that my mentor and past yoga instructor, Carver, sent to me in D.C. last year by Iyanla Vanzant.

"I am now receptive to the idea that I may be blocking myself from receiving more than I am holding on to. As long as you are holding on to what you have, your path of possibilities is blocked. The holding can be mental, emotional, or physical. In any case, it is a sign of fear. If you are aftraid to lose what you have, it means your consciousness is grounded in lack. Somewhere in the back of your mind, there is a belief that there is not enough to go around. There may also be a belief that when it comes around, you will not be on the receiving end.

Holding on is not the same as taking care of what you value or protecting that which is yours. Holding on is what most people do when they are afraid they don't deserve more. Holding on is what we do when we settle for less than we want. Holding on is what we do instead of asking for what we want and then taking responsibility for creating it. When you really believe that you are worthy of the best, that you deserve the best and that there is enough of the best for you to have plenty, there will be no need for you to grab or clutch or squeeze what you have. You won't worry about what you have. You will not watch over what you have. You will no longer live in fear that by losing what you have, your life will somehow be diminished. When you can stop holding on, you begin to realize that your blessings cannot be taken away, nor will they go away until the Universe is ready to up the ante.

Until today, you may have been holding on to things and people in fear that they could not or would not be replaced in your life. Just for today, allow yourself to imagine what your life would be like if your hands and heart were to receive something better than what you are holding on to right now.

Today I am devoted to opening my hands, my heart and my life to receive bigger blessings!"

Back Roads, Blue Highways, Humpback Rocks, and Sunflowers

2009-05-16T19:57:00.000-07:00

The rain held off today and I was out there pulling weeds right up until I got scared of the lightening getting brighter and the thunder LOUDER. My friend Tony, who is about 88, told me that we are having perfect weather for the plants to grow and boy, do I believe it! Sun, sun, sun, and rain just when they need it. I haven't watered really at all since I put these things in the ground. After a very busy and trying week, I had basically forgotten about the garden until this morning when the sun came up and I stepped outside and was nearly knocked down by the size of them. I mean, wow! I can really tell it. AND, I can even see a few corn sprouts coming up! I feel like I'm back in kindergarden when you make your mom a little potted plant for Mother's Day and then bug her for the rest of the summer to help you water the little sucker. But when it blooms-unbelievable. I still feel that childhood excitement every time I see something sprouting and growing. Pictures to come soon for proof, but I was too busy today climbing mountains, eating hot dogs, sunbathing, napping, blogging.

I am now listening to the program on NPR: Back Roads and Blue Highways. I feel about 100 years old doing this on a Saturday night, but it is a great program-find it on your local stations! MUCH needed reminders of why I love Mississippi and miss it terribly this time of year. The flowers above are a happy from my friend Sean to make me smile. Today I savoured every second of Virginia, every second of being doted on, every possible small thing that made me smile and I am so thankful for it.

Because of my work situation these last days and weeks, I have been forced to think about possible changes to come sooner or later, and I guess it has made me a little sentimental. Reflecting on the day, year, and 28 years (well, on Thursday, I will be 29, but dang it!-I have 4 more days, OK?!) reminds me to be thankful and comforted that although it doesn't feel like it: it will all be alright. I will probably look back at this post this time next year and see even more changes that surprise me. Change: will I ever get used to it?

Flowers not veggies

2009-05-13T18:55:00.000-07:00

Long, long, long week. These make me smile. All blooming in my yard-planted by Brigitte the neighbor.

Just say no to drugs and use Spring instead!

2009-05-10T20:30:00.000-07:00

Internet is finally working! So sorry for the delay in update folks. Sundays are my usual time to catch you up on what is happening, and no signal. Anyway, today I felt so rich: I had a place all to my own to sun bathe, garden, and transform a shed into a sunroom. If you count a sunroom being a room with two windows. For me, it is much added space where I actually have a table and chair to eat a meal on and a window view of the garden.

On a personal level, this past week was trying, but hence the title of this post: Spring makes it all better. The high today was 75, the sun finally came out and we didn't have any rain! What a positive way to end a hard week. The humidity was low and the rare breeze was lovely. I planted corn in my bathing suit...hot pink corn from Uncle Hughey. Hhmmmm. He must have requested the color just for me. Aunt Rhonda said it was to ward off the bugs, but I know. He knew the only corn fitting would be some with a little spunk.

Also, today I actually saw one of my, I don't know, 10 onion plants actually sprouting up! Although I was jealous of the neighbors who were all perfectly putting on a show next door..perfect in a row. I was excited to see one shooting up amongst what I think is weeds. I'm scared to pluck what I think is a weed out in case it might just be an onion. I am so glad that this was my major conflict of the day. Another treat: blue irises bloomed just for mother's day. As the sun kept shining, I really watched the blue ones get bigger and the yellow buds just bursting to pop out. Probably tomorrow. I am so thankful for my neighbor who got me into the gardening in the first place. She planted the irises and I love seeing them when I walk out of my door in the mornings!

Check out the pics of me in the garden, my patio, and my new "sunroom".

Tornado Watch and Flood Warnings

2009-05-06T20:39:00.000-07:00

Well, at least this is a Virginia Spring that I won't forget. My bedroom opens up to the backyard and garden. I can just hear those little baby roots crying to me now wondering why the heck I decided to plant them when the monsoon was on its way. Ok, joke's over. I get that I need to learn how to let go and that this like every single other thing in life is out of my control! I wonder how many of these examples I have to be shown before I learn this hard lesson. Going to try to take deep yoga breaths and blow healing air out to what is now the water garden. Please send some positive energy up here to Virginia! At this point, just a flicker of sunlight would give me immense hope.

Gardening Withdrawals=Zumba Inside

2009-05-04T19:30:00.000-07:00

Day five of straight rain and at least five more predicted. I had no other choice than to sweat out my frustration. Two words: ZUMBA VIDEO. If only I could figure out how to video myself and post it, I'm sure I could beat out that singer Susan lady on youtube. For those of you who have seen my tiny apartment, you can only imagine how bad it hurt when I did that back kick and landed my foot in the closet.

After my rush of endorphins I mustered up the courage to venture outside to take a peak at my plants. Only one death to report so far..the jalapeno pepper. The rain just beat its spice of life right out of it. On the other hand, the rest seem to be doing OK. Especially the colder weather ones. They look like they are loving this weather. Looked extra perky tonight. More pics of their growth to come soon, but I'm waiting until you can actually see a difference. Maybe I should re-name my garden Charlie Brown.

Rainy Sunday makes me homesick

2009-05-03T09:37:00.001-07:00

If you can tell that any of my plants look like they have grown at all-please give me some encouragement! As you can see above, I made a wish for each and every one of them. It has been raining all night and day here. Yesterday was more on and off though, and I was able to plant my warm weather veggies! I'm sure my neighbors thought I was nuts out there praying to the heavens when the thunder started just to hold off a bit longer. I did get my tomatoes, peppers, herbs, zinnias, and squash in the ground though. Whew! The weather report says that the low this week should only be in the 50s, so I decided to go for it. Now, I am just waiting on the corn seeds to come in the mail from Uncle Hughey and I'll be done with the planting!

I have to admit that yesterday was a bit challenging. I struggled with what to buy, how far to dig, how to make a hill to plant the squash in, and when it was all done and as I was looking over it, I sort of, well, panicked. What if I didn't do it right? What if nothing grows? What if I didn't follow the directions correctly from The Idiot's Guide to Vegetable Planting? All of this nonsense put me into a fitful mood and I have been wishing for my mother and aunt's wisdom ever since. Just like a child, I want someone to assure me that like life, you gotta jump in there, move forward, and see what happens. Some things work out, some plants grow, some die just like some of our hopes and expectations, but some of them live and thrive and turn out to boasts their huge fruits. If just one of my little seedlings do that, I will be ecstatic! I guess it is not totally ironic that even in my garden I have to be patient. My generation wants everything to happen immediately: great job, plenty of money, unconditional love all of the time from everyone we meet. If I can be patient with myself through this life, I surely can wait 55-80 days for the tomato plants to produce fruit!

On another note, I have to mention that I just happened to be helping a member out at the gym with her exercises and ends up that she manages the nursery where I went to buy my lettuce, spinach, broccoli, and cauliflower after I had a complete break down at Lowe's. What a blessing she was to me yesterday! I know none of you could imagine me being pushy. I mean, going into her office, begging for help for a "first time gardner" and asking her to speed it up because the black cloud outside was making me nervous...well, at least I did offer her a free personal training session! All jokes aside, without her, I would have been lost and am thankful that our paths happen to cross.

For now, I will let the rain soak my new plants and finally get to that cleaning since I am forced to be indoors today. Not near as exciting as the garden, but absolutely necessary!

Dogwood Festival Parade, Market, My Street and Wisteria

2009-04-28T06:47:00.000-07:00

I had a weekend full of farmer's market, dogwood festival parades, and enjoying Downtown Charlottesville. We have had record highs here and my plants seem to like it. The spinach is beginning to look like spinach! I am struggling with knowing how much to water during this unusual amount of heat, but have heard not to over water. Any hints on that would be GREATLY appreciated. This weekend I also got a library card. What a great place for a broke 28 year old! I checked out two novels and am waiting for a book called "Vegetable Gardening in Virginia". You can also check out movies and CDs. Wow! My generation has totally missed this secret. And, it's quiet in there. The pics below are from the beautiful blooming flowers in my yard and on my street that I see every day. The rest are from the market and parade. Yes-those ladies in pink are Jazzercisers that performed a live class in the parade. Hilarious to see for a current aerobics instructor!!!

BRRRRRR.........

2009-04-22T14:40:00.000-07:00

So, I thought it would be nice to sit outside blogging in my new garden. Except that it is 57 degrees and feels like 37 when the wind blows. I am in wool socks and a fleece. Still, it's all about the atmosphere. I feel like those silly girls that would wear turtle necks to The Grove in September just because it was "fall". Still, it was 92 out. Regardless of the cold snap, I have once again had a relaxing afternoon walking through my garden. Although there is not much activity to report, James the Cat and I still decided that it was worth a photo shoot. I can tell those little things are growing-I swear!

2009-04-20T19:47:00.001-07:00

I had just honked my horn at someone on the way home from work (DC Erin still comes out every now and then). Typical Mondays of RUSH, RUSH, RUSH! Then I pulled onto my street. I was knocked into the present by all of the colors. Maybe it was because it had just rained and everything looked magnified, but it was energizing. I saw pinks, purples, red, white, and of course, my favorite: every shade of green. I think in Mississippi the Dogwoods have come and gone, but here they are just putting on their show. This urged me to take a breath, throw on my raincoat and check on my plants. Maybe I was intoxicated by ride home, but I swear, the little plants looked bigger! And one of my lettuce plants actually looked like it had some leaves that would be soon enough to eat! I almost snapped that sucker off right then and threw some buttermilk ranch on it, but I held back. Just like me, I know it will grow into something bigger and better! Well, for me, maybe just better, not bigger.

Lulu's Garden

2009-04-19T11:29:00.000-07:00

When I was little my mom's best friend's husband called me Luler Guler. About ten years later, the grandkids shortened it to Lulu. Whew! How much more beautiful does that sound? I think I will name my first ever post "Lulu's Garden" because I feel much like I did as a child with this garden: so much to learn, but in the end, SO rewarding. Feel free to give me tips, send seeds, and follow my garden's progress. Unless, in a couple of weeks everything dies which obviously, so will this blog. Enjoy!