Taxi Cab Driver

The last few days whatever I have felt, I have felt with EXTREME emotions. I can always figure out some way to blame my hormones, but try to remind myself that it is probably a bit real too. Like tonight when I was kissing the boy goodbye in the freezing cold and feeling totally sad that it is not like the old days when you could sit on a porch swing until your mom and dad went to bed. But, of course not before telling you it was time to say goodnight. At least you got to make out beside their old car underneath the basketball goal on a hot summer Mississippi night. Quite different from tonight. Not a second later after my beau had kissed me goodnight and I had sat down in the warm cab ready to allow my blissful warm and lovey thoughts of the evening fill my brain until 2726 Connecticut did the hooded cabbie ask me, "Why he not coming home with you?" He then proceed to tell me that he was too young for me, and although I looked like I was 23, I needed someone at least around the age of 35. Most people would have ignored this guy, but not me. I found myself disclosing all of the reservations I have not allowed myself to speak out loud to this complete stranger who was taking the long way home in order to take more of my cash. Perhaps not, though. I mean, he did end our $6.50 therapy session by showing me a picture of his mom with his wife and two daughters. This was right before he called me sweetie and told me that I looked at MOST 23. "You are a pretty lady." OK. Time to go! I know I should feel appalled and disturbed that someone providing a service that I pay good money for would invade my personal life. Oh, what the hell! I'm not sure if it was the cabbie or my three whiskey cocktails I had at the secret speakeasy tonight, but I am sleepy and smiley and sleepy.

The Perfect Relationship

I don't think I could love anything more than my cat. After all, he sure loves me. He doesn't care if I have yucky phlegm from my sinus infection that has lasted for more than ten days now and I have to keep blowing my nose and leave my tissues lying around all over the place. He doesn't care if I ignore him all weekend and only cries when I'm gone, according to my roommate. I guess he does play a little hard to get. When I laid down today for my Sunday nap, I had to BEG him to join me. But, in the end, he always assures me. He sniffed around and tiptoed up on the bed and after about ten minutes of him acting like he wasn't going to stay-he plopped right down and slept on my hand and didn't move until I woke up. The PERFECT codependent relationship. Later, when I had to get stuff done, he didn't mind. I mean, his loud snores coming from under the bed were a bit distracting, but if that's my only complaint, it could be worse right? OK-I do feel a bit guilty since it is probably my fault that he snores. According to all of my friends, he is massively obese. Maybe we should get him one of those breathing machines? Or maybe I should stop feeling guilty when I don't give him enough attention and stop feeding him treats to make up for it.

Lately, he's been doing this thing where if I walk by, he'll reach out his paw and give me a little love pat and then we'll chase each other around the room until he gets plum worn out from all of the exertion. AND, he's been fetching again. Well, by fetching, I mean, I throw his blue toy dog against the wall and he falls on top of it.

Yep. Perfect. He loves me the way I am and I love him. Except for one tiny thing: a few minutes ago when we had finished our nightly routine of me taking a bubble bath and him sitting outside of the bathroom door until I'm done, something happened. I was all nice and clean and walked over to put my towel away and-yuck! WHAT did I just step in? O.K., yes. I bought the cat litter yesterday but haven't changed it out yet. Who knew? Codependent Cash is a passive aggressive communicator! He left that little bit of cat s**t by the couch just to let me know that he doesn't appreciate this neglect.

Ok, I know. What is the lesson in all of this nonsense tonight?

#1: Communication is key. If he would have just told me that he doesn't feel loved and appreciated when I don't clean the litter, then we could have avoided me having to take two baths in less than 10 minutes and now my skin is as dry as a stick.

#2: Compromise. Sometimes, you gotta put up with a little bit of shit to get a whole lotta love.

Pouring my heart out on the corner of Connecticut

Last night as my friend and I were on our way to our separate homes and about to part ways, she asked me a simple question: "Did you like the book Eat, Pray, Love?" As you may have guessed, I can never give a brief answer to a simple question. So, right there on the corner, I told her why I will always have a special place in my mind for E.G.'s memoir. I recalled the story that Liz tells about recognizing herself again in the mirror. It's been a while since I've read the book, but I remember it goes something like: she looked up and saw this person laughing and smiling in the mirror and truly did not recognize that it was herself. Why? Because she looked happy. She was smiling. She was carefree. She herself...not "herself again", but a new self. A better self. A more confident self. I shared with my friend who so patiently listened to my story, that one day I heard myself laughing out loud and I was like, "What WAS that?" I started laughing and I couldn't stop. I laughed so hard I couldn't breathe! My new kitty had never heard this before and was quite frightened. Oh, to laugh again! To feel again. To get upset again. To love again. I wish I could say that my daily life is peaceful and perfect because I am constantly reminding myself to be thankful for the daily blessings of living among friends with more opportunities to laugh, but I get frustrated. I complain about the stupid people at work and about how my boss drives me crazy with using two question marks after every question she asks me in email: "How's the December monthly report coming Erin??" "I don't know. Why don't you give me a second to catch my breath after teaching an hour long spin class and I'll get back to you??" How does daily living distract us so much from long-term, more meaningful realizations that we are too quick to forget? Today as I sit here in my green chair with my cat on my lap, I am thankful that he tolerates my laptop on top of him, that I can look out my open window, feel the breeze and hear the birds sing their songs of thanksgiving for the warmer weather. I am thankful for my mom's recipe for White Chicken Chili and for the two friends on their way over to share it with. I am thankful for exciting thoughts of a new friend who will call when he gets back in town on Monday. I am thankful for my friend Gordon who showed me around my new neighborhood last night and endured my complaints and shared honest advice. Oh! So much to be thankful for. Hopefully I will remember all of this next time I start to have a complete breakdown because the person next to me on the metro is being WAY to chatty for 6 o'clock in the morning!