Infatuation, Love, or Codependency?

To text, email, facebook, gchat, buzz or not to text, email, facebook, gchat, buzz: that is the question. After a long week of being bound in by the biggest snowfall D.C. has seen in years, I am contemplating my sanity. Normally..well, most of the time..O.K., some of the time.. I feel confident, interesting, witty, spontaneous, sexy, lovable, approachable, clever. NOT scared, vulnerable, analytical, sad, desperate, fat, restless. But, yep. You guessed it. Throw me one huge snow storm and I lose all sense of practical thinking. Well, one snow storm, another sinus infection, another snow storm, cramps, and another snow storm. I forget the order, but somewhere in the middle I became this lonely version of myself that I haven't seen in quite a while. Where does she come from? What triggers her to come out of hiding? Why, oh why, does she have to bring the tearful sobs with her that lasted this time no less than 24 hours?

OK, Crazy. It is now Valentine's Day and you have a new special friend who is going to cook you dinner. Flowers? Card? Who needs it when you have a boy that can make you spoon bread. Whatever that is. So, yes. It was a lovely date. Champagne, wine, chocolate covered strawberries. Yes! The confident Erin is BACK! Fast forward to this morning. Oh, wait. You have to go to work today even though your office is technically closed? Don't you want to lie here with me all day instead? I'm sorry. No ride home? Walk me to the metro? What is this? OK. Calm down Erin. Enjoy the moment. Be thankful for the time spent together. Enjoy the high that you are riding on when you remember the sweet things he said. You are not bored. You have a million important things to do on this day off like catch up on those hand-washables, apply to volunteer, take a nap with your cat, watch the olympics. Be cool.

3:00PM: Oh, he's on gchat. Wonder if I should gchat him. Wonder if he would want to see a movie later. Wonder if he got my group email (group, so not too personal) with the Fat Tuesday party idea? 4:00PM: Oprah. 5:00PM: News on snow. 5:43PM: Getting over embarrassment of writing this to the world and finally writing this to the world...or for the two of you folks that read my blog. Is this love? Is it post-Valentine's day hangover? Is it infatuation? I heard that infatuation usually lasts about three months and then you start thinking that what you thought was cute, like him wearing a robe in the mornings, is actually kind of grandpawish and annoying. Is it a reoccurrence of my past codependent life? I mean, what is wrong with wanting to spend every second with someone when you have been snowed in alone for days and have tried calling every possible friend-old or new-and they cancel because everyone but you seems to be living their loving relationship lives? Is it codependency when I try so hard to stay awake so I can look at his face just a bit longer? Is it codependency when I try to have a life, but would honestly just rather be hanging with him. I'm an extravert for God's sake! Isn't this normal? Is it because we haven't had "the talk"? What should I think about his vague response when I asked him to go to that wedding with me coming up in May? Did I let go too much when I mentioned that he must be in town for my birthday: May 21st? What does it mean that he isn't on gchat anymore? Will he want me to come over again tonight? Oh! How I want to! I know, I know. I should get out of the house. Go workout. Go meet some friends. Go live your life. But, aren't we all just trying to use our fabulous lives as a front and the honest-to- god truth is that we want him to call!?!

I'm exhausted. I can see your faces now. I can hear all of the different advice that you have given me on this subject before. I can re-read Codependent No More, Beyond Codependency, and even Conscious Dating, but none of it so far has been able to reverse this downward spiral of negative thinking. Maybe I need shock therapy. Maybe I need reassurance everyday that he likes me. Maybe I should be thinking of how thankful I should be to have someone in my life for this moment, for today, for right now.

Oh wait. I've got it! Thank God The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love comes on tonight. Now I will finally get the answers I have been looking for with their example of a real life relationship. Whew. And I thought I was going to have to go to the gym and leave my phone at home (on purpose) in hopes that this will will him to call. Oh. Wouldn't it be great to be 90 right now and not give a shit about any of this? I mean, by then I would have found someone who has stuck around or just be that crazy old lady that wears bright pink lipstick and dances to rap on her metro ride home and falls asleep every night to the sound of her snoring cat.

The Perfect Relationship

I don't think I could love anything more than my cat. After all, he sure loves me. He doesn't care if I have yucky phlegm from my sinus infection that has lasted for more than ten days now and I have to keep blowing my nose and leave my tissues lying around all over the place. He doesn't care if I ignore him all weekend and only cries when I'm gone, according to my roommate. I guess he does play a little hard to get. When I laid down today for my Sunday nap, I had to BEG him to join me. But, in the end, he always assures me. He sniffed around and tiptoed up on the bed and after about ten minutes of him acting like he wasn't going to stay-he plopped right down and slept on my hand and didn't move until I woke up. The PERFECT codependent relationship. Later, when I had to get stuff done, he didn't mind. I mean, his loud snores coming from under the bed were a bit distracting, but if that's my only complaint, it could be worse right? OK-I do feel a bit guilty since it is probably my fault that he snores. According to all of my friends, he is massively obese. Maybe we should get him one of those breathing machines? Or maybe I should stop feeling guilty when I don't give him enough attention and stop feeding him treats to make up for it.

Lately, he's been doing this thing where if I walk by, he'll reach out his paw and give me a little love pat and then we'll chase each other around the room until he gets plum worn out from all of the exertion. AND, he's been fetching again. Well, by fetching, I mean, I throw his blue toy dog against the wall and he falls on top of it.

Yep. Perfect. He loves me the way I am and I love him. Except for one tiny thing: a few minutes ago when we had finished our nightly routine of me taking a bubble bath and him sitting outside of the bathroom door until I'm done, something happened. I was all nice and clean and walked over to put my towel away and-yuck! WHAT did I just step in? O.K., yes. I bought the cat litter yesterday but haven't changed it out yet. Who knew? Codependent Cash is a passive aggressive communicator! He left that little bit of cat s**t by the couch just to let me know that he doesn't appreciate this neglect.

Ok, I know. What is the lesson in all of this nonsense tonight?

#1: Communication is key. If he would have just told me that he doesn't feel loved and appreciated when I don't clean the litter, then we could have avoided me having to take two baths in less than 10 minutes and now my skin is as dry as a stick.

#2: Compromise. Sometimes, you gotta put up with a little bit of shit to get a whole lotta love.

Pouring my heart out on the corner of Connecticut

Last night as my friend and I were on our way to our separate homes and about to part ways, she asked me a simple question: "Did you like the book Eat, Pray, Love?" As you may have guessed, I can never give a brief answer to a simple question. So, right there on the corner, I told her why I will always have a special place in my mind for E.G.'s memoir. I recalled the story that Liz tells about recognizing herself again in the mirror. It's been a while since I've read the book, but I remember it goes something like: she looked up and saw this person laughing and smiling in the mirror and truly did not recognize that it was herself. Why? Because she looked happy. She was smiling. She was carefree. She herself...not "herself again", but a new self. A better self. A more confident self. I shared with my friend who so patiently listened to my story, that one day I heard myself laughing out loud and I was like, "What WAS that?" I started laughing and I couldn't stop. I laughed so hard I couldn't breathe! My new kitty had never heard this before and was quite frightened. Oh, to laugh again! To feel again. To get upset again. To love again. I wish I could say that my daily life is peaceful and perfect because I am constantly reminding myself to be thankful for the daily blessings of living among friends with more opportunities to laugh, but I get frustrated. I complain about the stupid people at work and about how my boss drives me crazy with using two question marks after every question she asks me in email: "How's the December monthly report coming Erin??" "I don't know. Why don't you give me a second to catch my breath after teaching an hour long spin class and I'll get back to you??" How does daily living distract us so much from long-term, more meaningful realizations that we are too quick to forget? Today as I sit here in my green chair with my cat on my lap, I am thankful that he tolerates my laptop on top of him, that I can look out my open window, feel the breeze and hear the birds sing their songs of thanksgiving for the warmer weather. I am thankful for my mom's recipe for White Chicken Chili and for the two friends on their way over to share it with. I am thankful for exciting thoughts of a new friend who will call when he gets back in town on Monday. I am thankful for my friend Gordon who showed me around my new neighborhood last night and endured my complaints and shared honest advice. Oh! So much to be thankful for. Hopefully I will remember all of this next time I start to have a complete breakdown because the person next to me on the metro is being WAY to chatty for 6 o'clock in the morning!