Infatuation, Love, or Codependency?

To text, email, facebook, gchat, buzz or not to text, email, facebook, gchat, buzz: that is the question. After a long week of being bound in by the biggest snowfall D.C. has seen in years, I am contemplating my sanity. Normally..well, most of the time..O.K., some of the time.. I feel confident, interesting, witty, spontaneous, sexy, lovable, approachable, clever. NOT scared, vulnerable, analytical, sad, desperate, fat, restless. But, yep. You guessed it. Throw me one huge snow storm and I lose all sense of practical thinking. Well, one snow storm, another sinus infection, another snow storm, cramps, and another snow storm. I forget the order, but somewhere in the middle I became this lonely version of myself that I haven't seen in quite a while. Where does she come from? What triggers her to come out of hiding? Why, oh why, does she have to bring the tearful sobs with her that lasted this time no less than 24 hours?

OK, Crazy. It is now Valentine's Day and you have a new special friend who is going to cook you dinner. Flowers? Card? Who needs it when you have a boy that can make you spoon bread. Whatever that is. So, yes. It was a lovely date. Champagne, wine, chocolate covered strawberries. Yes! The confident Erin is BACK! Fast forward to this morning. Oh, wait. You have to go to work today even though your office is technically closed? Don't you want to lie here with me all day instead? I'm sorry. No ride home? Walk me to the metro? What is this? OK. Calm down Erin. Enjoy the moment. Be thankful for the time spent together. Enjoy the high that you are riding on when you remember the sweet things he said. You are not bored. You have a million important things to do on this day off like catch up on those hand-washables, apply to volunteer, take a nap with your cat, watch the olympics. Be cool.

3:00PM: Oh, he's on gchat. Wonder if I should gchat him. Wonder if he would want to see a movie later. Wonder if he got my group email (group, so not too personal) with the Fat Tuesday party idea? 4:00PM: Oprah. 5:00PM: News on snow. 5:43PM: Getting over embarrassment of writing this to the world and finally writing this to the world...or for the two of you folks that read my blog. Is this love? Is it post-Valentine's day hangover? Is it infatuation? I heard that infatuation usually lasts about three months and then you start thinking that what you thought was cute, like him wearing a robe in the mornings, is actually kind of grandpawish and annoying. Is it a reoccurrence of my past codependent life? I mean, what is wrong with wanting to spend every second with someone when you have been snowed in alone for days and have tried calling every possible friend-old or new-and they cancel because everyone but you seems to be living their loving relationship lives? Is it codependency when I try so hard to stay awake so I can look at his face just a bit longer? Is it codependency when I try to have a life, but would honestly just rather be hanging with him. I'm an extravert for God's sake! Isn't this normal? Is it because we haven't had "the talk"? What should I think about his vague response when I asked him to go to that wedding with me coming up in May? Did I let go too much when I mentioned that he must be in town for my birthday: May 21st? What does it mean that he isn't on gchat anymore? Will he want me to come over again tonight? Oh! How I want to! I know, I know. I should get out of the house. Go workout. Go meet some friends. Go live your life. But, aren't we all just trying to use our fabulous lives as a front and the honest-to- god truth is that we want him to call!?!

I'm exhausted. I can see your faces now. I can hear all of the different advice that you have given me on this subject before. I can re-read Codependent No More, Beyond Codependency, and even Conscious Dating, but none of it so far has been able to reverse this downward spiral of negative thinking. Maybe I need shock therapy. Maybe I need reassurance everyday that he likes me. Maybe I should be thinking of how thankful I should be to have someone in my life for this moment, for today, for right now.

Oh wait. I've got it! Thank God The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love comes on tonight. Now I will finally get the answers I have been looking for with their example of a real life relationship. Whew. And I thought I was going to have to go to the gym and leave my phone at home (on purpose) in hopes that this will will him to call. Oh. Wouldn't it be great to be 90 right now and not give a shit about any of this? I mean, by then I would have found someone who has stuck around or just be that crazy old lady that wears bright pink lipstick and dances to rap on her metro ride home and falls asleep every night to the sound of her snoring cat.