One Wedding and a Funeral

Tonight I called my mom to tell her about the step-by-step guide I typed up for my Dad and nephew on how to get from BWI airport to my apartment in one piece-and she went on to tell me how my Dad needs to learn how to say "NO". I am immediately worried about him overcommitting himself when I am asking for so much for him to fly to DC and drive my car back like 16 hours to MS to sale it for me so I can actually get ahead in life and become important DC professional. So, my mom is like, "No, it's not that. He called me today on his way to another job and said, 'By the way, Allen D.'s wife called me today and asked if I could marry him and marry him quick. So, I told them to meet me over at the house at 1:00PM tomorrow afternoon.'" So I'm thinking how is Dad going to fit in a wedding during his full work day? My mom's like, "Oh no. He finished up today so that he could be through before his trip to visit you. All he has to do tomorrow is do that funeral for that lady in the church who died and then come back here to marry that couple, and then he's takin' off the rest of the day."

I got off the phone. I started putting two and two together and realized that this couple is most likely my mom and dad's age. I had to call back. Rinnng. Rinnng. "Dad, who is it you are marrying?" "You remember Allen D. His wife's dad tried to get married on Friday, but they didn't have the marriage license worked out or something. They are older people. Like me and your Mama's age. It's gonna be quick. I'm just gonna do a short service." I guess so since he'll be pretty tuckered out from services that day. The question of why the rush still remains. I mean, it isn't like she is PG, as my Mamaw used to call "you know what."

And I thought tonight was going to be a boring quiet night of watching my shows online.

Growing Old Pains

When did I wake up one day and all of my friends have boyfriends and girlfriends? It kind of feels like when I was in the fifth grade and would get jealous of my best friend hanging out with my other best friend. I knew it made each friend happy, but the jealousy always prevailed and ended up with me lashing out and throwing some hurtful words around. Of course we got over it after Alli's "Vanessa" made us peanut butter and jelly sandwiches without the crust, but I still remember that feeling. Of course everyone says, "It's so much work. Be glad you don't have to look across the dinner table at THAT every evening." But if that were really true, then why would we feel like something is missing? Why would we try to fill that something with something else? Why wouldn't we just move that hope out of our minds and be content with our pets? I admit, my cat makes me very happy, but he doesn't replace the late night whispered chats. Chats about great important things, hopes and dreams, or just about something that you found hilarious that only he would get. Laughter. That's what I'm missing. I do a pretty good job of making myself laugh, but I long for that rush of laughing so hard you can't breathe. Of having someone make everyday mundane hard life seem lighter. I try to seem tough, but at the end of the day of a hard work week (and it is ONLY TUESDAY), I would give anything to be talking to someone next to me about nothing instead of pouring my heart out to strangers about something.

We are Family. All my brotha, sistas, and me.

During this year of my life, I have learned so many life lessons. A very important one rings true in my life tonight: ask for help! Why is it SO hard to ask for help from family and friends but I have no problem asking a stranger on the street how to get to the nearest metro?

I am SO thankful today for my father's support and my roommates chili. After a sleepless night full of anxiety about regular annoyances of life, my stomach now feels calm because I admitted that I need help in selling my car and I allowed myself to ask my roommate for a raincheck (literally pouring in DC today) on the bean soup I promised and eat her chili instead. Chili and cookies and even Irish coffee if I wanted it. Asking for help even worked with my boss. This is a tricky one-wanting to earn trust that you can handle every situation thrown at you, but knowing when to throw your hands up and say HELP! This week has shown me that 99% of the time, it has helped.

I hope one day I do the same for my family and friends. What I wouldn't give to buy my dad whatever he wants! Today, I am not so concerned with wishing we could see eye to eye on things that seem so important at times, as I am thankful to have a strong tree to lean against and take a breath. Last night while chatting with my new boss about our backgrounds and family, I described my family as "colorful minus the alcohol". Trying to make the point that although our family get-togethers are totally dry, it still always seems to be plenty of loud laughter, not to mention good cookin'. She responded, "Yeah, I can see that. You are very colorful." Not even sure what that means, but I think she's right. And, I kinda like it.

Happy Erin, Stressed Erin, Sad Erin, Excited Erin, Happy Erin

Over the last few days, my life has felt like tonight's blog entry title. So many emotions, but in the midst of it all, a calm awareness of feeling comfortable. Of being able to get off the metro (and on the way figure out which stop is the closest to Trader Joe's), walk to my old neighborhood grocery store, pass so many memories along the way, and still feel, well, happy at the end of my grocery store journey.

I got off at Farragut North, and my first memory came from passing my old gym. First thought: "Aw, this is where my ex-boyfriend ran on the treadmill one night during a three day binge and I didn't even know he was wasted." Second thought: "This is where I discovered Zumba with Diego and met my dear friend Emma. Diego made me find my inner diva. Emma helped me weather through the last few weeks of living in the city feel and feel less lonely. We were instant friends and even met up in Charlottesville.

I walk along M street. Second memory: 2001 M Street. Here is where I had to wait in line and beg the lady to give me a SS card that read "Jessica Erin Harvey" instead of "Erin Harvey" so that after a three month battle with the DC DMV, I could finally get my official DC tags! Memory #3: CVS: There's the CVS that-on the same binge I mentioned before-said Ex picked a fight in line while waiting for his Antibuse prescription and later that night broke out in hives from a reaction to the medicine. Memory #4: There's the spot where on a Saturday, I felt so low that I stopped in the middle of the alley, sat down, and cried hysterically to "him" that I hated it here and had to get out. He couldn't come to my rescue without a car. Memory #5: I pass the alley where I was walking home one night from Trader Joe's with arms full of groceries, balancing an umbrella b/c it was pouring. I was almost home when I heard glass shattering. Then I felt something else wet besides the rain. I looked down. Blood? Panic set in. No, just my splattered broken jar of spaghetti sauce.

I could go on and on of the awful memories of that year. It was an awful time, which is why I can now experience the exhilarating experience of being back here! The feeling of immense gratitude. Of being able to look all of these memories in the face and say, "I chose to come back here! I feel good today! It is 1:30 in the afternoon and I have already worked a full day, am on my way to my favorite grocery store in the world, and I have a full night of friends ahead! I am not looking forward to going back to my apartment and just sleeping the day away. I am excited to breathe! To live! To smile!"

Even though I was weighted down with groceries and had close to a mile walk to the metro, I was smiling. Actually, I was tearing up. This was not just a passing good mood. This was a calming experience. An overwhelming sense of gratitude that I survived. I learned. I am still learning every second that it is still hard, but that I want to live! Thankful because I have a bit more insight to my self. To my soul. To what makes me happy and keeps me healthy. I am learning everyday, and have been for a while. But, it sure is nice to do that amongst old friends and new roommates who will talk you into getting out of the house and going to the gym. Who will share a bottle of wine with you and laugh at the dynamics of two cats establishing their territories. Oh, tomorrow might change in an instance, and yes-the new job has it's challenges-but today, I feel better. I feel thankful. I feel tired. I feel loved. I feel support. I do not feel the empty hole in my stomach that cries out for companionship. I can't help but read this and, well, smile.

Enjoy the pics of my first day of work and my city adventures of the week so far!